Frustrated with work and baby

Watching Jean-Louis tonight trying to rock a crying Tristan to sleep, made me realize we are just not enjoying parenthood like we should be. As he rocks the baby and seeing the look on his face I can't help but think he must think rocking a baby is such a waste of time (more like a burden and he wished he could be doing something else). Not sure if he is really thinking this all the time but that is what comes to my mind watching him rock Tristan. I know there is so much work he wants to get done these days that caring for Tristan will need to take a backseat for a bit. But then, that seems to always be the case. If it's not the work, it's something else.

Jean-Louis should really be enjoying the moment and be with Tristan now while he is still a baby. That is what I keep reminding him. He's 3 months old - just a baby and he won't be for much longer! Yeah.... watching them tonight was a bit of a wake up call for me. Although I'm not as bad, I'm also trying to work lots more too and as result I do have to neglect Tristan more. I have become a work-alcoholic and I think it's largely because Jean-Louis is one. This of course didn't happen overnight. We've been together for over 10 years and it was a gradual process. If he is working so much, what am I suppose to do by myself? So I made myself work more and more and now there are times I just can't stop what I'm doing at all! It's sort of sad, I know. Poor Tristan. When he gets older he will be like us - glued to the computer and always wanting to work :(

This week was a tough one for me. Alone with the baby by myself again, after getting used to having Daddy around for a month. I only managed to get in 10 hours of logged work time, which was already a challenge. I feel guilty as a paid consultant and guilty as a mother. It is exactly this that I was scared of. Until I learn how to manage my time better, I will not accept any more work. For this reason, I have explained to my former boss who I'm currently contracting for that I just can't work right now and that he should go ahead and find a replacement for me. My decision to do that was because of the nature of my job as their Information Architect. There is a lot of client communication, which means meetings over the phone, time pressure on milestones, and they really do need someone close to full time. I can't even do half time (20 hours a week). It's not possible unless I set up daycare or a babysitter for Tristan. I'm still working as a consultant for another guy but that work is more flexible and I can really work at it on my own time. It's actually more enjoyable because it's more academic and there isn't really any time pressure. It's a bit of a relief to say "no" and take on less work but I do hope to be able to log more time. Sorry Tristan! The time I do spend with Tristan, I will try to enjoy it more.

This week I visited a daycare nearby. The Burnaby Children Centres Society is just a 10 minute walk away. It was the first time I left the house alone with Tristan. It was quite the chore to get there, with getting dressed and everything. Actually, it was the first time I left the house in 6 days. Yeah, I know - I'm terrible. Anyway, the daycare seems good. They are licensed to take 82 kids and there seems to be a lot of fun things for kids to do. If I was a little kid, I would love it there! Their little kids potty room is adorable :) They have music class once a week, French class, theme days etc. I'm hoping to get in for part time care starting this summer but I'm 100 something at the bottom of a wait list. I was basically told to get myself a backup plan. Oh boy! I'm not surprised though.