Monday, February 16, 2009

Over 4 hours of work logged

Wow, it has been an exceptional work day for me. I have never been able to log more than say 2 1/2 hours of work since Tristan arrived. It's great being able to work again and not have to think about "baby" all the time. It would be hard to repeat today since I didn't have to cook at all and Jean-Louis is still home on his parental leave. We let Tristan cry a bit more today too or at least I think we did. I feel guilty of course and that's something that I'm concerned about too.

I don't want to neglect Tristan but I can't possibly be there every minute for him either, else I would never get anything done. Besides work, I have chores to do like laundry and cooking and all the little things to keep the house together.  You'd be amazed how much time those little things take up.  Tristan has got to learn to be on his own sometimes. Listen to me... he's still just a little baby (almost 3 months now) and I already want him to be more independent! If I tend to his every need and ignore all of mine, I'll go nuts and may even resent him one day. I do love spending time with him but I'm also starting to feel a little brain dead. I have lots of work piling up and lots of potential work lined up for me as well. With the current economic turmoil, I should really take advantage of all my opportunities and try to work as much as possible. But Tristan is still so young :(  I get to work from home so I'm able to breastfeed him and spend time here and there with him, but I still feel guilty. I can't imagine having to leave the house and go off to work. I would experience separation anxiety for sure!

The extra attachment I feel for Tristan may also be due to the fact that Jean-Louis has not yet "bonded" with Tristan (not sure if that is the right word??).  It doesn't seem to bother him that much when Tristan cries.  I let Tristan cry too but not as much as him and it totally stresses me out.  Yes, I'm the mother and it's normal.  I asked Jean-Louis and he doesn't feel that guilty when he leaves Tristan to cry while he checks his email for instance.  I feel bad for Tristan and as a result, I want to be there for him even more.

Anyway, I'm definitely starting to get that itch and need to work again. After having my research meeting this past weekend too, it also looks like I will be needed very soon too. I'm just worried about having enough time to do everything.


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