What's awesome about your life?

Recently I read an article about one of the worst questions you can ask at a party: Why Ask "So What Do You Do?" It's funny because it's also one of the first questions you get asked by someone that doesn't know you. It has happened to most of us and I have asked others the same question myself. In fact, I witnessed this exact thing this past weekend at a party. It was pretty much the exact question stranger A asked stranger B when they first sat down.Whether you like it or not, it has become one of those lines you use at a party or gathering. I always kind of thought that it would be a good start to get to know someone. What you do for work says a lot about you. However, your work does not define you and apparently, some people like the author of the above article, Lissa Rankin really doesn't like being asked "what do you do?" I am so glad someone else said it first. Although I have accepted the question of "what do you do," I personally hate being asked that myself. It is this question that has made me shy away from a lot of gatherings, especially in the past when I was merely a bored stay-at-home wife.

"What do you do?" is one of the worst questions you can ask someone at a social gathering. There are places where it would be suitable to ask that question but for a social gathering where you are suppose to mingle and have a good time, it would be better not to ask a stranger "what do you do?" At least not at the first meeting and out of the blue. Like Lissa states, once you answer this question, you get placed inside a box. A stay-at-home mom? Well you get placed in the same box as all the other stay-at-home moms and you are stereotypically viewed as being home at lot, playing with your kids, taking naps, not doing much all day and whatever else stay-at-home moms are generalized as. As a part time stay-at-home mom myself, I know that we do a heck of a lot. In fact, there's not a single thing we don't do! Are you a work-outside-of-home mom? If so you get placed in the box where people assume you don't spend any time with your kids and that you are not raising them yourself and you care more about work than your kids etc. There may be good assumptions about you too but the bad ones may just be nasty! Obviously, being placed inside any box would be a bad thing.

Now that we are aware of the worst question to ask at a party, what would be a good question to ask? Lissa likes to ask "what is awesome about your life?" I personally love that question myself. This question would spark all sorts of positive answers and who wouldn't want to share their life's awesomeness with others? The truth is people love to talk about themselves and brag so here is their chance! Just as a comparison, here are my answers to "what do you do?" and "what is awesome about your life?"

What do you do?
I am a part time work-at-home mom and part time stay-at-home mom. For work, I design software and websites for user experience and manage projects. As a mom, I take care of my 3 year old son and make sure everything like chores, bills, and appointments are taken care of.

What is awesome about your life?
So much is awesome about my life! My husband, son and I are whole and in perfect health. We spend a lot of time together every day, even when my son is in daycare that day. Lucky for us, we can drop him off late and he doesn't sleep until 9PM so it gives us plenty of quality time. We go on vacations at least once a year and normally to hot tropical places. We all get plenty of sleep! We eat great food because I like to cook. My son loves to talk and laugh with us. He is a big reason why life is awesome these days. He's a great little kid:) I love event planning and having a child allows me to throw cute and fun birthday parties. It's totally awesome. I think I have finally reached a balance in life where I could be happy with for awhile. I get to stay at home and spend lots of time with my son, Tristan, as well as work part time and continue to contribute to projects I have been working on for years.

I love it! Next time I am ever in the position to break the ice with a stranger at a gathering, I'm going to ask them what is awesome about their life :)

We're parent-full parents who can relate to parentless parents

It's been awhile since I commented and based a post on a recent article I read. Reading the article "Parentless Parents: What's The Impact of the Grandparent Gap?" made me think about our own situation. Parentless parents are basically individuals who have lost one or more of their parents and then have children of their own. It could also be that when their children are very young, one or more of their parents pass away. When the children grow up, they are growing up without knowing much about their grandparents.

It not just about missing out on the support like free babysitting but also things like family history and stories your children's grandparents would tell them, and being able to share your child's milestones with your parents. If you have a close relationship with your parents and one of them passes away before you had a child or when your child is young, all this would affect you a lot more. The article also mentions that there are parallels between a parentless parent and that of a parent who has a disconnected or estranged relationship with their parents.

In many ways I feel like we can relate to the parentless parents. Ironically, both my parents and both of Jean-Louis' parents are alive and well. Tristan has four grandparents but no close relationship with any of them. Part of the reason is because they don't live near us. My parents live closest to us since they are in Victoria so Tristan sees them maybe once a month or two. Jean-Louis' parents are in France and Tristan visited them once. In terms of time spent with his grandparents, I would say that Tristan has seen his Victoria grandparents a bit more than his French grandparents.

Parenting has actually made me feel very alone. Sure my parents came over to see us when we were in the hospital when Tristan was born and then even stayed with us for two days. That was tremendous help but I often think that Jean-Louis and I are alone. We are somewhat socially awkward and have no close friends to turn to for help. Neither of us have close relationships with our parents. However Jean-Louis is an only child and does talk with his parents on the phone every week. Some times Jean-Louis shares milestones with his mom but at a later time and only if he remembers. In my family, we don't do that unless my mom or dad asks. In fact, I don't even know anything about my mom's parents. I was too young to remember them when we moved to Canada and then both of them died before I met them. My mom didn't really tell me stories about them. Their only existence to me is their picture in my parent's living room wall. It's sad really. We are a disconnected emotionally distant family. I think we are different from most families.

I think it's important that Tristan knows about all his grandparents. He definitely knows who they are but he hasn't been left alone with them much to really know them. He video skypes with his grandparents from France once every two weeks or so. He speaks on the phone or sees his Victoria grandparents for coffee about once a month or two. You know how certain children get super excited to see their grandparents and then they become shatter-boxes and tells them everything? Well, with Tristan some times we have to ask him to say hello or something because he would just look at the video screen and wave. He's also quite shy. Like me I guess.

Jean-Louis is extremely close to his grandparents from his mom's side. They practically raised him. When we asked his mom how she potty trained him, she had no idea. She just said that his grandmother did it :) I have fond memories of my grandparents from my dad's side. Grandparents are awesome and we want Tristan to discover that awesomeness. It's not only about Tristan though. We want his grandparents to get to know him well too, bond and develop relationships with him. I think the next best thing to being a parent is being a grandparent. Some may even say that being a grandparent is better :) We try to involve his grandparents when we can so that Tristan can spend more time with them. We invited my parents along on a vacation with us to Mexico last year and that was great for both of them. Next year when we visit France again, we're hoping to convince Jean-Louis' parents to go on a small vacation with us too.

A small reflection on motherhood just in time for Mother's day

Since I have a mommy blog and "mommying around" is a huge part of my life, I follow mostly mommies and daddies on Twitter. This past week, I noticed a lot of people blogging about being a mom and the question has been thrown around about how you know you are a mom. For me, I know that I am a mom when thought's about my baby constitute 95% of my day, every day. Nearly everything I do, think about doing, or want to do has to take Tristan into consideration. This is exactly why people say that once you have a baby, life changes forever!

Once upon a time, I wanted at least 3 children and all before I turned 30. Yeah, I was young and nuts apparently :) Once upon a time, I also thought I would grow old with my husband, just the two of us and enjoy life. Neither of those became reality and boy am I glad! Having Tristan and being a mother was a dream come true. The pregnancy, the experience caring for a newborn, a baby, and now a toddler, all feels like a huge accomplishment. In fact, I feel like mother is such an important title and so prestigious that it may even belong on a resume. No, I wouldn't put it but I'm just saying :) I know the world agrees with me about how important and great moms are though because there is a day in our calendar set aside to honor all moms. In Canada, Mother's day 2010 is this Sunday, May 9th. For all you celebrating Mother's day now, Happy Mother's Day!

Marital quality diminishes over time or with children

A study was conducted and it's not surprising to find that marital quality diminishes over time. "Having a baby accelerates this deterioration." Parents are more depressed than non-parents.

I have to agree to some point. It's a very good thing Jean-Louis and I got to enjoy a childless marriage for many years, 7 to be exact. We got to enjoy living with each other, traveling, running, supporting each other in our education and careers, and in the process, our relationship got stronger and we matured. Being parents in our 30s would have been considered late in our parent's generation but these days, it is quite the norm. We are more financially stable and we both have established careers we enjoy (most of the time). Having a child at this time lowers the chances of us resenting our child and regretting having done things we never got to do. Of course, we could have done more but we have done a lot more than most couples have before they start having children. We can't really complain. I'm glad it happened this way but it wasn't exactly planned to be honest.

For those thinking about having children right away after marriage, my advice would be to enjoy marriage first. Enjoy each other. Children could wait a year or two. Your kids will leave home one day but you will grow old with your spouse.

Tristan has made life very stressful for us. We don't even have time to think about our relationship these days but that's okay. One thing the article mentions is that past generations received a lot more help at home when the baby arrives. That partly explains why our parents and grandparents were able to have so many kids. Help would definitely make a difference. Jean-Louis and I have been at this all by ourselves. My parents stayed with us the first 2 days we left the hospital but that has been all the help we have received with Tristan. In the beginning, we were both kind of scared being at the hospital and given a newborn to care for and then at home without the presence of nurses around. But we managed and we survived. I think it's amazing really. This is partly why I tell Jean-Louis that we deserve to celebrate every month on the day that Tristan arrived.

Alone time without Tristan would be nice. Maybe when Tristan is 6 months old, we'll hire a babysitter once in awhile to watch him so we could go out alone. A formal dinner out would be nice. Maybe a movie too.

For those who don't know me

I'm Susan. I live in the Greater Vancouver Area and I'm about to be a mommy for the first time. Hooray! I'm usually a very private person and I wasn't sure if blogging was the right thing for me. I do have a lot to share and hope that others who read my posts can connect with me in some way. The goal of this blog is to share my life as a new mommy in my 30s and to document this great journey into parenthood for my husband, Jean-Louis, and I.

As a couple, married for 7 years now, we've been through many up and downs and getting pregnant was like winning the lottery for us! We can't wait to tell the world and that's big for us since we're typically reserved and quiet. I will try to keep the blog as interesting as I can. Visit often and please feel free to comment. We would love to hear from you :)